Why me?

Why me?  This has probably crossed the mind of every cancer patient.  Why me, why now, why this? 

At the age of 20 I believed that I had already survived more than a lifetime of bad things.  A troubled childhood, molestation, suicide attempt, bulimia, being bullied, a car accident and severe case of mono.

It's not that I thought the rest of my life would be easy, I just though that I had already passed the test of survival and inner strength.  Nope.  Not a chance.

By 30 I had survived more, including another car accident and a psycho fiancé who tried to strangle me to death.  I had achieved the Wonder Woman badge of honor. 

"We must through many tribulations enter the kingdom of God." (Acts 14:22)

Well if according to Acts 14:22 then I am good to go, and could probably go and come back a few times with all I have been through!

Why is it that we have to experience bad things? There are a lot of theories out there about this, my personal belief is 1) all experiences are learning experiences whether good or bad, 2) we have to experience the bad to truly appreciate the good.  But that doesn't stop us from questioning why me, why now, why this, why, why, why?

When I was diagnosed with breast cancer in 2011 at the age of 35 I was devastated, absolutely destroyed.  But I knew there would be something good to come out of it.  That in my heart it would be used for God's glory.  Believing in this gave me some comfort and strength, but my cancer journey was still very difficult and I still found myself questioning why at times.

Why did I have to go through another big ordeal?  Why did I have to survive something else?  Haven't I been through enough?  Haven't I proven myself as a Christian yet?  If this sounds familiar then I completely understand and you are not alone.  We are never alone when we have Christ and when we have fellow cancer survivors who are struggling just as we are.  Going through cancer it is easy to feel alone, even when you have family and friends who love and support you and you have faith it is still easy to feel alone when dealing with a life or death situation.

Boobs...a love-hate relationship

Boobs, breasts, tits, jugs, etc.  so many names for the same balloon of fat body part.  The infatuation with breasts has been around since Adam and Eve.  Hollywood has made millions, trillions even, doctors have made millions, Victoria Secrets is considered the guru in the bra industry. 

I have always had a love-hate relationship with my breasts.  In my twenty's I did some modeling and tried to get into acting, but because my bra size was 38DD most of the work that my agency was getting for me was too risqué for my comfort zone and I didn't want to be defined by my breasts. Don't get me wrong, I am not a prude, and I didn't hide my breasts, they were a fact of my life and my grandmother always said, "If you got it, flaunt it" so I dressed my breasts in a way that I was comfortable, just right to get me out of any speeding ticket that I may happen upon, but covered enough so I didn't look like a prostitute. 

Growing up and living in Orange County, California about an hour and a half from Hollywood I was proud that my DD's were real.  In a time when it seemed everyone was getting implants for bigger breasts every day and going to high school with girls whose graduation gifts were either a new BMW or implants I was quite proud of my all natural girls.  However finding clothes that fit right was a pain.  I have to have button down shirts altered because of my breasts, or put up with always having to wear a tank top or camisole under button down shirts and never being able to button them all the way up, but having to leave an open shirt.  I have tank tops in just about every color to go under button down shirts.

When I lost my right breast to breast cancer the thought of karma catching up to me did cross my mind, more than once.  Losing my right breast was a necessity, I had no other option, believe me I tried convincing the doctor otherwise, but in the end chopping it off was better for my survival.

 I was diagnosed with breast cancer in 2011 at the age of 35 and by this time my breasts were an E or DDD.  Happily married with 2 beautiful children my world crashed down when I heard the words, "You have cancer."  And after dealing with breast cancer for 4 years now, all I have to say is, "boobs are more trouble then they are worth!"  Seriously!  I have had 3 reconstructive surgeries trying to get my body back to a "normal" state with my breasts.  Pain in the butt!!  And I am STILL lopsided and have to have at least one more operation to even out my breasts.  I haven't been able to wear a regular wire cupped bra in almost 4 years, but have been living in bra tops, sports bras and the like because of my physical irregularity.  Such a pain.  I know I shouldn't complain, but then again I have every right.  For about 18 months I had to live with one breast and at an E this was VERY noticeable and made me feel like a circus freak.  I was specially fitted for a prosthetic breast, and can I just say that is a whole different experience that feels very weird and surreal when you are going through it.  I tried to make light of this new and weird experience as part of my way of coping with it, but in my heart I was bothered by it all and had a hard time getting past the "Frankenstein" feeling and way of looking at myself.  Because of the pain and scaring from radiation on my right side of my chest I rarely wore the prosthetic breast and most of the time I would just stuff the "pillow" breast into my bra or top when going out in public as it was much more comfortable.  By the end of the 18 months I would go to the store without using any stuffing or prosthesis.  But I am much happier now that I have two breasts again, I feel more "normal".  My breast reconstruction surgery to build me a new breast was 10 hours long, and required 4-5 days in the hospital.  There was the same worry of rejection similar to organ transplant, as my surgery consisted of taking belly fat and skin and creating a new breast, what was special about this was my doctor transplanted blood vessels from my belly into the new breast and connecting through the chest into blood vessels in my sternum.  This was a crazy surgery and only 100 doctors in the country are able to do this, I was lucky mine was one of them and we were incredibly successful.  The key to this blood vessel and breast transplant working is in the acceptance of both the tissue and blood flow.  There was risk that my body would reject this and we would have to either start all over again or go another route.  The weirdest thing was having my doctor and his team stand around my bed every single hour to place a Doppler on the transplant and listen for heart beats.  Yes that's right I said heart beats, there were 3 major sites where the blood vessel transplants were that the doctor would listen for the heart beats which indicated successful blood flow.  If there wasn't blood flow then the new breast would die.  It was so weird hearing "heart beats" coming from my breast, like having triplets in the womb and I would crack a joke about my alien breast and it's heart beats.  I don't know if it was the morphine or my off beat sense of humor but I got through it and I have a real boob now that jiggles and everything. 
That was over a year ago and since then I have had two more surgeries trying to achieve "normal" alignment and I am still about 1/2 a cup size in difference and I still find myself stuffing my bra to achieve "normal" breasts.  When will this end?  I just want to be normal, what ever that means, and what ever "normal" can be for me living with breast cancer.  After all the scars, all the damage, all the pain and the suffering from cancer treatments and medications I have had to endure over the past 4 years I think a decent body is not too much to ask for.

Sometimes I just want to tell young girls not to put so much effort into their breasts on display and making a big deal about implants and push-up bras, that boobs are more trouble then they are worth and take care of them, because one day they might just turn on you!

How I've survived Cancer

I survive cancer by being tough.  Cancer is not fun and it is not pretty, it is tough, the key is choosing to be tougher than the cancer.

People look at me and are shocked that I have been dealing with cancer for 4 years.  I do not look like a typical cancer patient.  Well that is because I am metastatic and most mets do have their hair and look somewhat "normal".  But we deal with cancer every single day and are in constant treatment and monitoring by our doctors, just trying to lead a new "normal" life.  I have survived thanks to God, without a doubt it was through His grace.  In that grace I listened to my body and what it needed to heal, I researched how to make myself stronger to fight the disease and survive the side effects.  I ate cancer fighting foods, I drank green tea like it was going out of style, I am a soy Nazi and stay far away from it.  I significantly reduced soda, and sugar, and other chemical foods.  I reduced my fast food intake and when I do eat it I make healthier choices.  I do yoga and meditation, I have been learning herbal medicine and I stayed in school and worked.  (not totally because I wanted to financially I had to) I tried to keep my life full of goals and ambitions as if the cancer wasn't an issue partly to keep me focused on life and as a coping mechanism and also for my children.  They were and are young to have to deal with mommy having cancer.  It is bad enough I lost my hair and was horribly fatigued and sick from chemo, but luckily I was strong enough to put on a brave face and try to minimize my side effects to give them more "normal" days then not. 

My key to surviving cancer is in complimentary treatments along with traditional medicine.  I truly believe it is through faith, nutrition, yoga, meditation and herbal medicine that I have been able to be as strong as I have been and will continue to be.

I am strong because I am a fighter.  I do not know how to be anything else.  We don't have control over who gets cancer or when or if it will happen to you, but we do have control over what we put into our mouths.  I choose to put strength in, I choose to put what will help my body protect me from my cancer, what will help it defeat my cancer.  I do yoga to help me with my stress and to help the blood flow in my body, I had 22 lymph nodes removed and that puts me at risk with a compromised immune system on top of the cancer and so I have to help my circulation do it's job since a chunk is missing forever there is also the benefit of yoga that improves the immune system and helps in the muscle aches from chemo, radiation and surgery.  I am lucky to have 100% mobility in my mastectomy arm.  That is almost unheard of, the norm is most women only retain up to 75% mobility and I regained it both times after surgery and radiation. 

I survived cancer, and you can too.  Which is why I created www.thrivecancer.org  and became a certified nutritionist, yoga instructor, personal trainer.  I want to help others survive too, that is why I survived.  God carried me through my cancer with His grace so that I can help others do the same.  That is my purpose.  All you need is the desire to fight to start to survive your cancer.  Good luck and God Bless.

Berry Banana Pancakes :)

Berry Banana Pancakes

You can use fresh, canned or frozen fruit or compote for these, we have done this as a treat and have a variety of toppings for top your own pancakes.

Serves 4

Prep time: 15 min, cook time: 20 min

Ingredients

1 large banana, peeled and sliced

1 cup complete pancake mix

½ cup water

Nonstick cooking spay

1 cup unsweetened frozen strawberries, blueberries, blackberries, thawed and sliced

2 tablespoons orange juice

Preparation

1. Place bananas in a medium bowl and mash with a fork
2. Add pancake mix and water, stir until blended
3. Spray a large skillet with nonstick cooking spray and heat over medium heat.
4. Pour ¼ cup batter for each pancake into hot skillet.  Cook pancakes for about 2 minutes per side until fully cooked.

Topping

1. Spray a pan with nonstick cooking spray and heat over medium heat
2. Cook berries and orange juice for 3 minutes or until the berries are soft
3. Spoon topping over pancakes and serve

****Very yummy and a great way to get kids to eat fruit, load up on vitamin C to boost the immune system, also mild enough if you are feeling nauseated from chemo.

Taken from the Cancer Cutie Cookbook available to buy on amazon.com or directly from our site, www.cancercutie.com

Staying healthy this winter

Ok we all know that with winter comes the flu season.  You should also be used to hearing you need to be washing your hands MANY times a day to ward off getting sick too.  But do you know that your diet may need a change too??? 

In my grandparent's day there was real "seasonal" foods, fruits and vegetables that were only available in certain seasons.  With the improvements that modern society comes it's downfalls as well.  While we now have fruit of all seasons available in our grocery stores, it is not local fruit and therefore is contaminated with preservatives, pesticides, etc.  I can get watermelon all year long in my local grocery store, whereas in my grandmother's time it was ONLY found in summer.  People used to look forward to their grocery stores influx of "new" seasonal fruit, they used to get excited about the variety and nutritional benefits.  We have lost that, and it's sad.  So we may have increased the fruit availability but the excitement is gone as is it's nutritional benefit which has been decreased due to the added chemicals.

Some tips on keeping healthy this winter:

5 Immune system boosting foods for winter

Bell Peppers- red and green bellpeppers are great for vitamin C, as good as a glass of orange juice and can be added to many different dishes.

Sweet potatoes- these are one of the best ways to get vitamin A and others and minerals, a great source of immune system boosting properties.

Beef- beef is high in two essential nutrients (my vegetarian friends you can substitute) Zinc and Protein, be careful as beef can be high in saturated fat, so only choose lean protein

Oatmeal- A good old fashioned staple, for a reason, this is fiber, can have a variety of fruit added to and is filling, providing energy for your busy day.  Not to mention it is warm and soothing.

Yogurt- Yogurt is great!  Probiotics are the way to go, I have personally seen the many many benefits of adding probiotics to the diet.  I myself am not a big fan of yogurt so I take a probiotic supplement and try to sneak cultured yogurt in my diet.

If you would like a personalized meal plan please feel free to email me
email- dolphin_queen@hotmail.com

Giving back to the cancer community

Ever since I started treatment for my cancer almost 4 years ago I wanted to give back and help fellow patients in their journey with cancer.  My doctors wanted me to focus on healing, to be selfish and rest, relax, heal, be.  Ya, that's not for me I am more proactive then that, I don't like to feel helpless and I don't like to feel weak.  I do like to help others and to bring comfort and hope, it's who I am. 

When I worked in law, as a paralegal I loved that part of my job where I comforted clients and brought them hope and justice.  Working as a bankruptcy paralegal I prayed with clients who felt they had let their families and God down in the unforeseen debt crisis, when I was successful in short-saling a home for a client as a realtor helping a family avoid foreclosure and move on and able to buy a house again was wonderful.  I had quite a few clients call me their angel.  Although I am not an angel of any kind (my mother can attest to that) it feels good to help people.

Like my mom I am a "crusader rabbit" or "lady liberty"  I believe strongly in justice and what is right and wrong, I hold strong to my beliefs and I have enough strength and courage to share and I am happy to do so.  Don't get me wrong, I have my weak days, in fact lately I have been feeling depressed and discouraged, but I know I will bounce right back to my normal kick butt self.
  I often come to the rescue of someone in trouble, the underdog, the bullied, the sick and hurt. 

So in the spirit of giving back to my fellow cancer sisters and community I started a non-profit, got registered for tax exemption and spent days and weeks over the past year working on hand beaded jewelry to help brighten the days and lives of female cancer patients in my area.  I got the idea of my bags from another breast cancer survivor on facebook and I put my own touch and spin on it and made it my own.     Blessings Bags

I drop off a big gift bag of little 9x6 in bags full of information, tips, financial resources, inspiration, and a gift, every bag gets a piece of jewelry and a tube of chapstick.  I have had so many doctor's offices tell me that their patients LOVE this, that at least once a week a patient cries in response to receiving one of these bags and the most common statement is, "Wow, I really needed something like this right now."  This is the reason I do it.  It is impossible not to feel alone in this fight and journey with cancer, even though we know we aren't alone, because this is a very personal and often private battle with this disease it can feel very isolating at times.  The other hand is that the blessing, is that in this day in age cancer creates a sisterhood, a community within a greater community and it helps knowing that there are other people going through or have already gone through what you are going through.  I did not know anyone who had radiation, in my group of breast cancer patient/survivors.  I had a close friend have radiation who had thyroid cancer and that helped but still not quite the same.  I can say for me, it helped having cancer sisters, and I love being able to be that for others. 

I am still trying to give back to my cancer community and knowing me, I will never stop even now, flat broke I am still dropping off bags of Blessings Bags at local doctor offices and I am so stressed out about not having enough money for Christmas, let alone how the hell I am going to pay for Christmas presents or dinner for the family.  But I do have faith, faith that everything will work out, and faith that I am doing something good.

Living with Metastasis

Living with Mets is no easy task, as if having to live with stage 3 cancer was.  At least before being metastatic there was a chance for a cure.  Being Mets means I will never again be cancer free, that hope is lost to me forever.  The hope Mets have is of being in a long standing remission.  I would like to think that permanent remission is possible but I don't know.
My oncologist says that my cancer case is like dealing with someone with a chronic disease, we monitor, test, and deal with any "flare-ups" should the cancer return or move again to someplace new in my body.  You know I just don't find a whole lot of comfort in that most days.  I want long term remission.  Cancer really is a little bitch, a whiny, demanding, nagging little bitch.  For the most part I can out bitch her, I am the QBIC Queen Bitch In Control :) and I intend to stay that way.  But there are some days when it's a roller coaster of emotions and I get a little downhearted. 
I have been Mets for 1 year now, and out of treatment and surgery for 3months so this is still pretty new and I do have anxiety.  Pain or feeling of an illness coming on, migraines I can't help but think, crap this better not be cancer related!  A friend who was never Mets, but has been 17 years cancer free from her breast cancer says that fear of cancer return never goes away, with any new pain or sudden or nagging illness it's almost impossible not to worry that it isn't cancer related. 
I know I can't live in fear, and I refuse to live in fear as it is not living, but I do have my moments and days even when I am fearful and down. 
One of the things that keeps me motivated other than my children is my strong desire to help others like me, women with cancer.  I started a non-profit, but the funding and grant searching is so frustrating and exhausting it's hard not to get discouraged.  We as women and sisters in cancer need to help each other and lift one another up and keep encouraging others.   I want to help so much and so badly and sometimes I feel so helpless to do so and the snowball of discouragement starts all over again. 

I just needed to vent. 

Feel free to follow me on Twitter @wondermom76 or Facebook Thrive Cancer Support Services or check out our website www.cancercutie.com