Monday, November 17, 2014

Living with Metastasis

Living with Mets is no easy task, as if having to live with stage 3 cancer was.  At least before being metastatic there was a chance for a cure.  Being Mets means I will never again be cancer free, that hope is lost to me forever.  The hope Mets have is of being in a long standing remission.  I would like to think that permanent remission is possible but I don't know.
My oncologist says that my cancer case is like dealing with someone with a chronic disease, we monitor, test, and deal with any "flare-ups" should the cancer return or move again to someplace new in my body.  You know I just don't find a whole lot of comfort in that most days.  I want long term remission.  Cancer really is a little bitch, a whiny, demanding, nagging little bitch.  For the most part I can out bitch her, I am the QBIC Queen Bitch In Control :) and I intend to stay that way.  But there are some days when it's a roller coaster of emotions and I get a little downhearted. 
I have been Mets for 1 year now, and out of treatment and surgery for 3months so this is still pretty new and I do have anxiety.  Pain or feeling of an illness coming on, migraines I can't help but think, crap this better not be cancer related!  A friend who was never Mets, but has been 17 years cancer free from her breast cancer says that fear of cancer return never goes away, with any new pain or sudden or nagging illness it's almost impossible not to worry that it isn't cancer related. 
I know I can't live in fear, and I refuse to live in fear as it is not living, but I do have my moments and days even when I am fearful and down. 
One of the things that keeps me motivated other than my children is my strong desire to help others like me, women with cancer.  I started a non-profit, but the funding and grant searching is so frustrating and exhausting it's hard not to get discouraged.  We as women and sisters in cancer need to help each other and lift one another up and keep encouraging others.   I want to help so much and so badly and sometimes I feel so helpless to do so and the snowball of discouragement starts all over again. 

I just needed to vent. 

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